Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
