You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
