He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
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He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
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I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
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