And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
