Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
