When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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