i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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