ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
