I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Fuck me I smell like cheese
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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