I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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