tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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