guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
