Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
