You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Randomize
