My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
