Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Just pee around me
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
