Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
