If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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