I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
the condom got lost in my hair
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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