Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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