Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
sarcasm needs its own font
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
