Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird