What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
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I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
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I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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