I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
How's work?
Spinning.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
