I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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