The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
we made out on top of his cat.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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