Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
