Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
