I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
