how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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