did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
