There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
