I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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