if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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