hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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