I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Send help, water and tortillas.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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