Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
