i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
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