I accidentally burped into my bong.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
