We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Alive.
So much puke
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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