how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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