P.S. I can't hear my feet
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
