Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Everything about him screamed your future.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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