I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
