I accidentally burped into my bong.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
