Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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