This dress was meant to end up on your floor
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just had sex on a roof
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
