take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
