I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
