happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
