I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
