Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
