pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
