I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
