i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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