to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
