he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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