you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
